Archive for the ‘Mormons’ Category

The Orgasmorator from Orgasmo

The plot of Orgasmo is that a Mormon missionary becomes a porn star.  Usually, this becomes a part of the conversation some time around the time that proxy/retroactive baptism, Mormon Heaven, and such get mentioned–

this device “comes” into play.

I think the right to keep and bear arms means  Orgasmorators, not firearms.

Make love not …

Anne Frank and Retroactive Baptism

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I think the Mormon idea of retroactive, or proxy, baptism is pretty neat, but some folk just don’t get the concept as this cartoon demonstrates:

With Mitt Romney once again running, I’m sure the kinkier aspects of Mormonism will be rehashed by the crowd that finds it to be a cult.  Never mind the proper name for the religion is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church).  Personally, I don’t see it as being all that much different from most protestant sects.

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation, Cousin Avi had a debate with a Mormon missionary about this topic where he: “mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps.”

An extremely distant cousin, who happens to be a Mormon, was correct when he told me that: “Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It’s entirely their choice.”

It gets kinkier! Supposedly, there is group sex in Mormon heaven!

Yeeeehaaaa, group sex with the Osmonds and Mrs. Fields!

Maybe that’s why she took the option.  But, Annie would have had to have chosen to go to Mormon Heaven.  As I said to Cousin Avi, I hope that when they tell Rabbi Nachman of Breslau that he has been converted and he is sitting in hell that he has the option of spending the rest of eternity in hell, or spending it in a Mormon Heaven of blonde shiksas who will have polygamous sex with him.

I’m fairly sure the wise Rebbe would have no problem making up his mind as to what he would choose in that situation.

Anyway, this is a bit like Descartes belief on God, there may not be one, but it doesn’t hurt to believe. So, Mormons may be way off, but I know what I’m gonna choose if they are right. How could you pass up polygamous sex in the afterlife with Marie Osmond and Debbie Fields if they are willing to do things that would make pornstars such as Juli Ashton blanche?

Seriously,who could refuse wild, group sex with Mormons?

I know that I’ll take the option of going to Mormon Heaven if I am given it!

A couple of spiritual good deals

It seems that one doesn’t need to convert to Judaism to get the benefits since it seems there are a couple of categories one can fall into to receive the benefits: Noachide and ger toshav. The last is a kind of green card to the “nation of Israel” that is applied to someone who has married a Jew, or otherwise lives amongst them, but hasn’t converted. It seems that only Jews are stuck with being the Chosen People, which seems to be that they do the spiritual scutwork for those of us who aren’t Jews.

But for some odd reason some Jews say in their aleinu: shelo asani goy “thank you for not making me a gentile”.

The more I know about Judaism, the odder that sounds. We dumb goys are not Chosen to be paragons of virtue, or at least try to be. Naw, it’s the Jews who have to keep kosher, keep the 613 mitzvot, and say at least 100 blessings a day!

The next super deal is retroactive, or proxy, baptism. The Mormons will baptise you after you’re dead and then give you the option of becoming a Mormon. So, if you are sitting in Hell, someone comes along and tells you that you have been proxy baptised so that you can be a Mormon and go to heaven. I hope they add the bit about Heaven includes polygamous sex when they tell you that you can go there.

So, you don’t need to be a Mormon in this life to benefit! Not a bad deal. In fact, you are sitting in Hell, if the Mormons are correct, when you get this option of accepting their baptism. I am not sure how you learn of this when you are dead, but I know full fucking well that I am going to accept that “ordinance”. I mean I am in Hell when they break this news to me.

So, it sounds like you can slide through life if you are willing to do the minimum of goodness requisite to be a Noachide or Ger Toshav. And failing that, you can choose to become a Mormon in the afterlife and reap all the bennies (polygamous sex!).

Works for me!

Retroactive Baptism

Cousin Avi had a debate with a Mormon missionary about this topic where he: “mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps.”

Well, it seems my extremely distant cousin was correct: “Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It’s entirely their choice.”

It’s not forcing dead people to accept Mormonism: it gives them a choice if they are dead.

Unfortunately, the most important fact about this topic seems to be left out: the polygamous sex in the afterlife! I hope that when they tell Rabbi Nachman of Breslau that he has been converted and he is sitting in hell that he has the option of spending the rest of eternity in hell, or spending it in a mormon heaven of blonde shiksas who will have polygamous sex with him.

I’m fairly sure the wise Rebbe would have no problem making up his mind as to what he would choose in that situation.

Anyway, this is a bit like Descartes belief on God, there may not be one, but it doesn’t hurt to believe. So, Mormons may be way off, but I know what I’m gonna choose if they are right. How could you pass up polygamous sex in the afterlife with Marie Osmond and Debbie Fields if they are willing to do things that would make pornstars such as Juli Ashton blanche?

And God proves his love by giving me a chance to accept it after I’ve seen he’s right.

Now, that’s what I call Heaven!

A really good source on this topic is:
http://www.jefflindsay.com/LDSFAQ/FQ_BaptDead.shtml

So, don’t knock it if they are baptising holocaust victims. Shouldn’t they have chance at a heaven of polygamous sex with hot and horny shiksas?

This could get me to convert to Mormonism.

Naw, I don’t mean Orgazmo is my local Mormon Missionary. No it seems that if you become a Mormon and go through all the stuff Mormons believe you can have Polygamous sex in heaven for all eternity!

The Best bit is that through retroactive baptism that you have all the benefits of Mormonism in the afterlife! It seems that if you are retroactively baptised (my info is at the Mormon Church) that you will be given a choice when you are dead. So, if you are in Hell, you can say: “you bet your ass I’ll be a Mormon.”

I imagine Hell is filled with assholes like Jerry Falwelll and similar fundamentalist shitheads.

I mean hot polygamous Sex with Mrs. Fields for all eternity! Hell, that’s better than having Orgazmo as your Mormon Missionary!

Shit, she should get out there and spread the word as a missionary that Heaven is an eternity of hot polygamous sex if you’re a Mormon! You bet your ass it is, toots!

I’ll nibble her cookies for the rest of eternity!

Now, where do I sign up to become a Mormon?

Also, Will Mitt Romney reveal this bit of Mormon doctrine when he runs in 2012? There might be a renewed interest in the Mormon Church if they do.

And you thought the Osmonds were squeaky clean! Ha!