Archive for the ‘retroactive baptism’ Category

The Orgasmorator from Orgasmo

The plot of Orgasmo is that a Mormon missionary becomes a porn star.  Usually, this becomes a part of the conversation some time around the time that proxy/retroactive baptism, Mormon Heaven, and such get mentioned–

this device “comes” into play.

I think the right to keep and bear arms means  Orgasmorators, not firearms.

Make love not …

Anne Frank and Retroactive Baptism

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I think the Mormon idea of retroactive, or proxy, baptism is pretty neat, but some folk just don’t get the concept as this cartoon demonstrates:

With Mitt Romney once again running, I’m sure the kinkier aspects of Mormonism will be rehashed by the crowd that finds it to be a cult.  Never mind the proper name for the religion is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church).  Personally, I don’t see it as being all that much different from most protestant sects.

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation, Cousin Avi had a debate with a Mormon missionary about this topic where he: “mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps.”

An extremely distant cousin, who happens to be a Mormon, was correct when he told me that: “Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It’s entirely their choice.”

It gets kinkier! Supposedly, there is group sex in Mormon heaven!

Yeeeehaaaa, group sex with the Osmonds and Mrs. Fields!

Maybe that’s why she took the option.  But, Annie would have had to have chosen to go to Mormon Heaven.  As I said to Cousin Avi, I hope that when they tell Rabbi Nachman of Breslau that he has been converted and he is sitting in hell that he has the option of spending the rest of eternity in hell, or spending it in a Mormon Heaven of blonde shiksas who will have polygamous sex with him.

I’m fairly sure the wise Rebbe would have no problem making up his mind as to what he would choose in that situation.

Anyway, this is a bit like Descartes belief on God, there may not be one, but it doesn’t hurt to believe. So, Mormons may be way off, but I know what I’m gonna choose if they are right. How could you pass up polygamous sex in the afterlife with Marie Osmond and Debbie Fields if they are willing to do things that would make pornstars such as Juli Ashton blanche?

Seriously,who could refuse wild, group sex with Mormons?

I know that I’ll take the option of going to Mormon Heaven if I am given it!

It’s the Book of Mormon!

It seems that quite a few people wonder what exactly Mormon missionaries do. I like relating the story from when I lived in Belgium (91-92) and the Brussels police busted a couple of them under “the Suss Laws” (Belgian Police can detain people for 48 hours and give them a litre of coffee and baguette). The police weren’t sure what Mormon Missionaries did. The law firm that we shared space with represented the Mormons and had to get the hapless lads out of Jail.

It seems the creators of South Park have spent quite a bit of time contemplating the question of “What do Mormon Missionaries Do?” as well. First, they did the film Orgazmo abotu a Mormon missionary who becomes a porn star. Now, they have a hit Broadway play with The Book of Mormon. I don’t think Old Joseph Smith prophesised that this would happen when he translated those golden tablets!

The play’s story follows two young men, Elder Cunningham and Elder Price, who are aspiring to go on their mission and spread the word of the LDS church. Price wants to go to Orlando , and Cunningham just wants to go on an adventure with a best friend. Instead of Orlando, they are assigned to Uganda, which is not at all what they expected (“there are no doorbells?!”). The boys think that they have all this faith, but once they have to put it to use in a 3rd world country they realize that it only takes them so far—the rest needs to be determined on its own. Throughout many musical numbers they express this, and also touch upon the value and role of organized religion in today’s society, how Mormonism is “all-American”, and even the story of Joseph Smith.

Wow! Now, is the US ready for Mitt Romney?

I may not be a Mormon in this life, but I know for sure that when they tell me in the afterlife that I was retroactively baptised that I will be eternally grateful in what can truly be called heaven with Marie Osmond and Mrs. Fields!

Still More Mormon!

I guess I was so turned on by the idea of wild, polygamous sex in the afterlife with Debbie Fields and Marie Osmond where they do things that would make Juli Ashton blanche that I forgot to post this video:

Of course, if all that is true, then this would have had the amusing aspect of making Glenn Beck (and other Mormons) blasphemers under the Maryland Toleration Act, also known as the Act Concerning Religion, in 1649. Despite the name, the act provided that:

or deny our Saviour Jesus Christ to bee the sonne of God, or shall deny the holy Trinity the ffather sonne and holy Ghost, or the Godhead of any of the said Three psons of the Trinity or the Vnity of this Godhead, or shall use or utter any reproachfull Speeches, words or language concerning the said Holy Trinity, or any of the said three psons thereof, shalbe punished with death and confiscation or forfeiture of all his or her lands and goods to the Lord Proprietary and his heires,

What that means translated from all the 17th Century gibberish is that if you don’t believe in the Trinity: you’re dead.

Since Mormons believe that:

The trinity is three separate Gods: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. “That these three are separate individuals, physically distinct from each other, is demonstrated by the accepted records of divine dealings with man,” (Articles of Faith, by James Talmage, p. 35).

That would mean that Glenn Beck would have been burned at the stake. BTW, Did he miss how intolerant today’s Christians are to Mormons?

Be careful what you wish for Glenn!

You’d think that somebody who professes to be a Mormon would have his act together enough to know that there is a reason for the First Amendment saying “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”. I mean–look at Mormon history.

Anyway, the Constitution was divinely inspired (according to the Mormons): so who’s Glenn to argue with that one?

A couple of spiritual good deals

It seems that one doesn’t need to convert to Judaism to get the benefits since it seems there are a couple of categories one can fall into to receive the benefits: Noachide and ger toshav. The last is a kind of green card to the “nation of Israel” that is applied to someone who has married a Jew, or otherwise lives amongst them, but hasn’t converted. It seems that only Jews are stuck with being the Chosen People, which seems to be that they do the spiritual scutwork for those of us who aren’t Jews.

But for some odd reason some Jews say in their aleinu: shelo asani goy “thank you for not making me a gentile”.

The more I know about Judaism, the odder that sounds. We dumb goys are not Chosen to be paragons of virtue, or at least try to be. Naw, it’s the Jews who have to keep kosher, keep the 613 mitzvot, and say at least 100 blessings a day!

The next super deal is retroactive, or proxy, baptism. The Mormons will baptise you after you’re dead and then give you the option of becoming a Mormon. So, if you are sitting in Hell, someone comes along and tells you that you have been proxy baptised so that you can be a Mormon and go to heaven. I hope they add the bit about Heaven includes polygamous sex when they tell you that you can go there.

So, you don’t need to be a Mormon in this life to benefit! Not a bad deal. In fact, you are sitting in Hell, if the Mormons are correct, when you get this option of accepting their baptism. I am not sure how you learn of this when you are dead, but I know full fucking well that I am going to accept that “ordinance”. I mean I am in Hell when they break this news to me.

So, it sounds like you can slide through life if you are willing to do the minimum of goodness requisite to be a Noachide or Ger Toshav. And failing that, you can choose to become a Mormon in the afterlife and reap all the bennies (polygamous sex!).

Works for me!

Retroactive Baptism

Cousin Avi had a debate with a Mormon missionary about this topic where he: “mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps.”

Well, it seems my extremely distant cousin was correct: “Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It’s entirely their choice.”

It’s not forcing dead people to accept Mormonism: it gives them a choice if they are dead.

Unfortunately, the most important fact about this topic seems to be left out: the polygamous sex in the afterlife! I hope that when they tell Rabbi Nachman of Breslau that he has been converted and he is sitting in hell that he has the option of spending the rest of eternity in hell, or spending it in a mormon heaven of blonde shiksas who will have polygamous sex with him.

I’m fairly sure the wise Rebbe would have no problem making up his mind as to what he would choose in that situation.

Anyway, this is a bit like Descartes belief on God, there may not be one, but it doesn’t hurt to believe. So, Mormons may be way off, but I know what I’m gonna choose if they are right. How could you pass up polygamous sex in the afterlife with Marie Osmond and Debbie Fields if they are willing to do things that would make pornstars such as Juli Ashton blanche?

And God proves his love by giving me a chance to accept it after I’ve seen he’s right.

Now, that’s what I call Heaven!

A really good source on this topic is:
http://www.jefflindsay.com/LDSFAQ/FQ_BaptDead.shtml

So, don’t knock it if they are baptising holocaust victims. Shouldn’t they have chance at a heaven of polygamous sex with hot and horny shiksas?

This could get me to convert to Mormonism.

Naw, I don’t mean Orgazmo is my local Mormon Missionary. No it seems that if you become a Mormon and go through all the stuff Mormons believe you can have Polygamous sex in heaven for all eternity!

The Best bit is that through retroactive baptism that you have all the benefits of Mormonism in the afterlife! It seems that if you are retroactively baptised (my info is at the Mormon Church) that you will be given a choice when you are dead. So, if you are in Hell, you can say: “you bet your ass I’ll be a Mormon.”

I imagine Hell is filled with assholes like Jerry Falwelll and similar fundamentalist shitheads.

I mean hot polygamous Sex with Mrs. Fields for all eternity! Hell, that’s better than having Orgazmo as your Mormon Missionary!

Shit, she should get out there and spread the word as a missionary that Heaven is an eternity of hot polygamous sex if you’re a Mormon! You bet your ass it is, toots!

I’ll nibble her cookies for the rest of eternity!

Now, where do I sign up to become a Mormon?

Also, Will Mitt Romney reveal this bit of Mormon doctrine when he runs in 2012? There might be a renewed interest in the Mormon Church if they do.

And you thought the Osmonds were squeaky clean! Ha!